I’m in that bubble, floating down the old cold and dark gradual slope of my childhood street in Dover. People are reaching up to touch me, but they have no faces and yet in their desperation, they make no noise. The surface of the bubble ascends ever so nearer in descent towards their clasps for me but my will allows the bubble to rise back into the air, only a few inches or so from their clawing fingertips. I then wake up.
In the style of the Clockwork Orange, I’m at the perekryostok of life again. Unsure of which way to turn, which way is right or wrong, or whether there is actually a right or wrong. For reassurance I pool from the past, and turn my head and look down the path that I have crossed in order to make my next move. But with caution. I start to reflect upon the past.
I’ve come a long way in the past year, but lost or upset a few friends on the way through being myself albeit due to past events or natural related sort of stuff that has forged the way I am. I start to think that it is because I don’t try hard enough, and that it is all due to the fact that I am essentially lazy. University has gone well this year however; starting Polish from scratch and scoring 82% at an intermediate level, and also taking Chinese literature, something which I always failed and never understood, yet at University level, I scored 76%. These are the results I have so far. Surely this is progress. I aced my business exam, breezed through Russian language, but yet I feel I didn’t do myself justice in the thing that people know me best for – Chinese. I’m pretty sure I screwed that up. And it is just this example I am trying to highlight here. What I like, enjoy and all those showy-off things that I am about, ultimately brings complacency and hence failure. I can exemplify this with Chinese, with my gym progress and with my ex. All of the aforementioned could have done with a lot more effort and work, and I feel that I haven’t quite met the bar in ‘standards’. Instead I get myself so absorbed in the notion of the aforementioned activities, but yet do nothing to contribute to them further. I’d happily sit in a bath whilst talking to a friend on the phone for 30 minutes, yet I go in the bath another time, take my Chinese book, yet read one page and don’t read anymore. In addition, I recently uploaded some photos of my doing the gardening at my friend’s house (a person who is extremely kind, and is letting me stay rent free to help me actually get to China). Now two comments to these photos, and two of the most immediate comments, were; “where has your six pack gone? ;-)” – I used to be over 16 stones/98kg, I thought I had done rather well. The next “Put some weight on, you’re skinny, do more shoulder work”. I feel deflated and out of energy. There was me thinking I had done so well.
It is important to take knocks well, and believe me, I have had more than my fair share. However, I do know people who ‘go’ to the gym, or should I say, attend the gym and enjoy its array of health facilities rather than its weights. In the steam room, I’ll hear lines like “I’m not progressing, and I take all this protein”. Well that’s because they take their protein, eat well, buy men’s health magazine, talk to other lads about carbohydrates as a type of conversation initiator and read every food label for its fat content. In such cases, one needs to lok back on the week, as I am looking back at my crossroads or perekryostok, and each week, think to myself ‘what have I done to contribute to move forward?’. Often it isn’t brilliant. When faced with the what-have-I-done question concerning the gym this week, despite it being Wednesday, I find myself already making excuses. Well, I have worked full time every day so far doing manual work, clearning flats, sucking flood water out of carpets, cleaning, moving house, gardening etc. So, I guess I’m not lazy, but I need to push myself that little bit further.
The second dream I have haunting me is takes place in my gym at peak time. All the regular faces are there. Everyone is twice my size and suddenly a demon type entity appears and tries to kill everyone with a fire explosion. I run up in front of everyone hold my hand out, sort of like creating a reflective barrier, thus saving the day. – Perhaps I watch read too many Naruto comics, but there is this instinct inside me that wants to be protective, and that ultimately, craves significance.
I have always believed that philosophically, there is no such thing as a selfless act. People do everything purely for their own benefit, whether it be directly or indirectly. But ultimately as part of being a ‘lad’ I not only crave significance, but also want someone to protect and look after. It’s almost instinctual.
People seem more ephemeral than ever. The majority here in Manchester have no real substance to them, and are solely concerned with showing off and talking about themselves. Part of me is glad that I am moving away, but the other half thinks that after two years of being in the UK I should be sad to be leaving.
In short, I need to work harder. Maybe I’m beating myself up, and yes there is sometimes more to life and yes, sitting back relaxing is just as important. Yet, I think that there’s only so much I can do, but in realising that I’m frustrated. I’m ambitious, hard working, strong, and protective but if only I could turn up the volume on all of these qualities. The road seems uncomfortable ahead, but if I focus and work harder then maybe this gradual slope will turn into a smooth down-hill bike ride. And I need to deal less with those 6-foot tall people who are in fact 7-foot tall with their mouth open…
No comments:
Post a Comment